Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A Forced Slaying

Funny how some moments stick out in your mind & are so clear that you can still remember the outfit you wore that day or a scent will resurface just from the thought. Those single moments that seem to forever change your life, even though in that moment you'd never know it would. I have millions of such memories & to be able to pull up that exact same sensation with just a thought....makes me just want to live in some of those moments....while some of those moments I've tried my best to claw out of my mind's eye. Recently I got the chance to face down one of those such moments or better yet....demons.
Back in 1996, I took a job for a company that would eventually change my life. During the 3 years I worked there, I got the chance to meet what would quickly become 2 of my dearest & closest friends. I was working as the receptionist where I would meet them both as they came in for interviews. One day while walking around the building while having my afternoon smoke with a friend of mine & came across Lesli. She was sitting back by herself in a cove smoking, she hadn't been working for the company but a few days & looked a little lonely. So I walked over to her....sat across her lap....& said...."So! How's it Going?"....we have been the best of friends from that moment onward. Later that same year, at our company holiday party, Lesli & I were outside smoking & up popped Gretty asking for a light. Well we quickly became the Troublesome Threesome & have pretty much stayed so now for the past 13+ years.

So you can probably tell that I was beyond THRILLED to hear that Lesli was now engaged to the love of her life!! We talked dresses, colors, dates & all the other fun things associated with a wedding. I was then BEYOND THRILLED when asked if I would walk her down the isle on her wedding day...I mean COME ON...what an HONOR!! Then the bomb dropped.....the most wonderful day in the year was going to be in my most hated of places.....Las Vegas.

Let me start off by saying.....I looooath Las Vegas. It represents a piece of my past that held terrible reigns over me. I had lived there in extreme luxury, surrounded by the rich & famous....all while living a complicated...painful...exhausting...life inside a delicate bubble. I lived in fear & self doubt all while smiling & playing the ultimate role! I spent so much time living in survival mode. One day...my eyes opened & I shattered that bubble sending shards flying in a million directions...ripping me into pieces. I left that city seeing it's nasty...dirty...underbelly & it left a HORRIBLE taste in my mouth.

So to hear that I was going to be returning there....left my stomach in knots & caused many sleepless nights leading up to it. Nightmares would wake me from being in the presence of evil that is associated within the city of sin. Knowing I had to return, I was happy that I would have my sweetheart at my side to help me through this extremely hard moment only for that not to be the case. Yep, that dreaded $$ had to keep him here while I faced this demon down myself.

Thank God for a little help from a dear friend of mine...Prozac!

As my plane touched down in NV....my heart was racing so fast...fear followed my each & every step....I was truly....terrified!! I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder & keeping a vigilant eye for the first sign of trouble. Going straight to my room where I locked myself inside...grabbing at my overwhelmed chest....saying to myself....Breathe....just Breathe....over & over again. Once I had gotten a hold of myself....I took a deep breath.....closed my eyes....& let go....then...slowly...I opened my eyes...got up...took a shower...& went downstairs to face down my demon.....& slay it!
I walked around for about 2 hours. Got a bite to eat. Chatted with a few people. Watched a few games of poker. I often had to tell myself to slow down my pace or stop & just hang for a few. Still keeping an eagle eye watch on everything & everyone around me. Finally feeling ok with being out & about, I went back to my room. Over the next several days I found myself being less afraid & more woo hoo. 

I truly have to give credit to both my best friends for they unknowingly helped me through one of THE HARDEST moments of my life! I found that I was spending less & less time in a state of worry & spent a lot more time laughing until my sides were sore. Because I was so able to get lost in our friendship, I was able to tear down walls....knock holes through the darkest of hidden places & finally lay to rest something that burned for all the wrong reasons. So they both helped shield & slay a demon that had festered way too long just by simply just being there.

I had grown so much hate for a place that I allowed it to hide the other fun side of that same place. Finally, I was able to fully breathe a full breath & not have all that extra weight on my chest. The last picture I took in Vegas explains it all. In a single moment, one can see something truly different in my face. An easiness that wasn't so before. A moment were I vowed to myself.

A vow of release....
A vow of peace....
A wound now healed....
And forgiveness now given....

Thank you for unknowingly forcing me to face down & conquer the beast known simply as....Vegas!

Lesli & Jeff...May your marriage be filled with all the right ingredients: a heap of love, a dash of humor, a touch of romance, and a spoonful of understanding. May your joy last forever & your friendship grow unbreakable. Congratulations!

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